Dear Mom and Dad, It’s Me – Your Shy Kid. A Letter Every Parent Should Read.

Being born a shy kid is tough at times. Add an outgoing parent to the mix and it might be a squeamish existence. It is like being parented by another species.

You don’t get us and we don’t get you. In an effort to spare other kids the humility I have endured so far – I have made a cheat sheet on how to parent – what you might term –us shy kids.

Let me break down the basics free spirited, outgoing parents. You and I feel different when we are around other people. When you are around people you get charged up. I have seen your type out there at parent pick-up. Buzzing around like a busy bee. You get back into the car revitalized and full of juicy gossip. You my friend are a battery and you get recharged every time you make contact with other people.

We, on the other hand, are charging stations. Every time we are around other people we are giving off energy and getting depleted. Sometimes we like expending our energy – and other times it is frankly –freakin’ exhausting. When you have a limited commodity – you tend to use it sparingly.

So – with that in mind, let us discuss some situations that tend to go down between kids like us and folks like you:

The Playground

It is obvious that our solitary existence on the playground upsets you. I know you think you are being helpful when you shout loudly to the kid next to us, “What’s your name? How old are you? Oh, you are the same age as my kid! He likes to play that too? Don’t you? Don’t you? Where did he go?”

We are over in the shade, dying a slow death of embarrassment. Seriously, could you guys be any louder. I may be little, but I get embarrassed easily. I mean – really easily. Things that aren’t remotely embarrassing to you – make us want to curl up and die. Seriously. We love your help – really we do – but could you please try to be a little more subtle. Dial it back a notch or two…hundred.

The Grocery Store

We can spot the danger all the way across the store. They stare at us. They make eye contact. We will your shopping cart to turn left, but usually you continue right towards the target. It is if a gravitational force pulls you closer and closer.

The stranger’s words drip out, “Ahhh he’s so cute. What’s your name honey?” We usually look at the floor, look at the ceiling. Anywhere, but at the stranger who is breathing directly in our face. And then comes your usual cajoling – “Say hello honey.” We ignore you. Wishing we had an invisible cloak. Hoping for an escape hatch.

And then come the apologies. “I am sorry. He’s not normally so rude!” As we walk away you give us your predictable scolding. You tell us we were so rude. We embarrassed you. Trust me – it goes both ways Momma.

Look, I know we need to learn to interact with people. But, give us time. Don’t put us on the spot. We are not intending to be rude – we are uncomfortable. There is a difference. You can tell the lady that we are slow to warm to strangers. Maybe teach us to just smile. We might show our teeth if we know it is not an invitation to talk more.

Family Gatherings

Ah, the family gatherings. A place full of nightmares. Where else can you have a whole room demanding hugs and kisses and asking you awkward questions. Please, do us a favor and don’t force us to hug and kiss everyone. I know you love your great Aunt and that uncle that pops his teeth out – but we don’t share your fondness.

By the time you make us hug everyone, we are completely depleted of energy and we are ready to go. Don’t put us on the spot.

I know you love those silly dances we do or those funny jokes we tell you – but we are not trained monkeys. If you ask us to perform we are just going to embarrass you. We will throw a big – and I mean – big fit. We’ll give you an opportunity to make more excuses for our behavior – to make lovely family memories.

Our Behavior

I have noticed that you often think we are just being difficult kids. We hear you on the phone venting to your friends. Sometimes we throw huge fits when you want to go somewhere. You ground us, send us to our room and give us lectures. But, sometimes you don’t dig deep enough to find out why we really threw the fit.

Maybe we didn’t want to go to karate because the instructor always embarrasses us. Maybe we refused to get our shoes on to go to swim class because all the parents watch us and we feel like an uncomfortable fish at an aquarium. Maybe we loved the idea of a birthday party, but the reality hits us like a ton of bricks right before we had to go. You might see cake and games – but we see thirty loud, unpredictable kids and 120 minutes of no escape.

Don’t move into punishment mode until you take time to figure out what is really going on.
Our personality is our personality.

Just like you can’t be taught to be an introvert – we can’t be taught to be an extrovert. This is who we are. We are the kids with one best friend – not a zillion superficial friends. We are the kids who sneak off during a play date to play by ourselves. We are the ones that turn a deep shade of red when someone says hi. It is okay.

You don’t have to apologize to others for our behavior. We don’t apologize for yours and there have been some cringe-worthy moments. We love that you care and sometimes we do need your help, but sometimes we are just being who we are meant to be.

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Do you have some good tips on how to parent an introvert? Share with others and leave a comment.

Do you know family and friends who don’t get your introvert? Share this article and educate the masses!

Are You an introverted mom? Check out this article:

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Additional Support

A teen support book on anxiety that your kid will actually read:

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