Don’t let that cute smile and those stubby little hands fool you. Your toddler, my toddler – they are all on mission to destroy us. Their goal – to wear us down, weaken our defenses and slowly gain full control of the household. Don’t believe me? Not into conspiracy theories? You think this sounds like paranoia? I have clearly laid out their plan step by step.

Are you parenting a toddler? Here are 5 tips that prove our toddlers are conspiring against us!

1. Tire you out
You think it is a coincidence that your toddler keeps you up at night. Come on ladies – what is the first step in mind control – sleep deprivation. Sound familiar? I ain’t falling for the old “I had a bad dream” anymore! You think they are just “restless sleepers” when they crawl into bed with you and strategically aim for your throat. I think not.

2. Embarrass you
Your toddler is out to make you look like a fool! Have you noticed how they conveniently have no filter in the most embarrassing of places. “Mom why is her hair all crazy” or “Mom why does his mouth smell?” They silently giggle as they watch you squirm in your chair, apologizing to others as you try in vein to get your demon child on to another topic. Their voice reaching octaves you never knew they had before – “No, really Mommy, why does his mouth smell just like our doggy?” Shoot me now young toddler. Shoot me now.

3. Tell your secrets
When desperate – your toddler will make a direct attack at your character. They love to make you look bad– to all the right people. “My mommy tells us not to tell daddy!” to the grocery lady. You try to explain as you stumble on your words. They especially love those juicy tidbits you tell them at home like, “My mommy says this is called my gina” (finger proudly pointing in between legs)– and then they go for the kill… “Do you have a gina?” To the old lady sitting next to them – “Can I see it?” I fold. You win.

4. Make you look bad
Your docile, sweet angelic toddler saves their best tantrums for the public arena. Toddlers store up their energy for the grand stage. The very public stage. Preferably a large, socially awkward setting where no one really knows you well. Her head starts to spin as she revs up. You are not sure when the girl from the exorcist replaced your cute little toddler. She gives off her best performance yet. Fists pounding. Face getting bright red. The screams coming from her mouth barely human. Your possessed child watches as you ramble on with excuses – “She never acts like this at home…maybe she’s tired. I don’t know, maybe she’s hungry?” Your child silently giggles as she watches the looks of disapproval in your never-to-be new friends. Isolation is a key component to your toddler’s master plan.

5. Get you arrested or at the very least – investigated!
Do you honestly think that any child can be that clumsy? How many bruises can one small child acquire in one day? These so-called “accidents” happen conveniently on any and all exposed skin. They walk into walls, trip over their own feet and hit every body part on the childproof coffee table. The acquisition of bruises are perfectly timed for swim class day or the first playdate with new friends. They make you question your own innocence and they laugh as maybe others do the same!

Do I sound crazy now? Does all of this sound familiar? Do you have one of these so-called “toddlers” at home. Invading your life, your heart.. your sleep? Admitting you have a problem is the first step.

For more toddler humor check out-

Interview with a Toddler Stalker

When your Toddler has No Filter!

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